The Journey To Zero

I think like most addicts who are in recovery, we like to talk about the beauty of recovery, not the ugliness of addiction. We try to move forward and not dwell on the past- but never forget how dark that past was and why we never ever want to go back to that person who we know that we aren't, yet addiction brings out. 

So let's talk about the ugly side of my Suboxone journey, along with the beauty of FINALLY being done with the drug two years later. 

So what is suboxone? Suboxone is used for opiate addicts to help them come off of hard opiates such as heroin. It is just like heroin and attaches to the same opiate receptors that heroin does, however, it doesn't produce the same high effect as the other opiates. It is a very effective drug to get opiate addicts on when they are detoxing from the hard stuff or if there is an opiate addict that chronically relapses and suboxone is the only way to block them from getting high on other opiates if they were to take them while on suboxone. It's kind of a hard drug to understand so if you really care that much about understanding what it is and how it differs, you can google it if you have a real itch to learn about those bad boys. Moving on...

So the next question is- am I a hard core opiate addict? Am I addicted to heroin? The answer is no. I would abuse opiates such as Loratab and Percocet when they were around after surgery or what not- especially when they were MUUUCH easier to get back when I was in high school, but I never actively sought them. They made me nauseated and I didn't like them like I liked other pills that were tranquilizers. Tranquilizers were my thing- Ambien, Xanex, Fioricet, Soma, any downer that would fly under the radar at Dr's offices and different pharmacies.  Not only did I love those types of drugs, but more than anything, I loved manipulating the whole system from the Dr's to the Insurance company, to the Pharmacies, to the Drug reporting database. See, us addicts are really smart (sometimes detrimentally smart if focused on the wrong things) and the greatest high doesn't come from actually getting high, but it comes from actually being able to manipulate our way to the high. 

So, if I am not a big opiate person, then why was I put on Suboxone in the first place? Well, when I entered rehab two years ago, I was put on the drugs that I was on because I have 3 herniated discs  in my neck along with a few other issues with my back and neck. So, I honestly believed that I couldn't get off those drugs because regardless of whether or not I was an addict, I was in very real and true pain. So the Dr. at my treatment center found a solution to get me off the "hard stuff" and on to a "safer" medication for chronic pain. Next thing I know, I am on a very low dose of suboxone. Since I didn't have a high tolerance to opiates- because I hadn't taken them since my last surgery 4 years before, the suboxone actually did produce a sort of high for me. While in TREATMENT, I was all about taking my suboxone every day and loving the way it reduced my anxiety, took away the physical pain, and just overall calmed me and helped me sleep. So from the day I left treatment and was in charge of my own medication management, I abused those suckers. 

It wasn't hard at all at first. I was on such a low dose, that if I took double what I was supposed to, it made me feel really good. I started messing around with them on a regular basis and then began going hard on them for 3 weeks out of the month and then either manipulated the system to get a new script earlier than needed, or I would buy them at an outrageous price from my friend from rehab for about $25 per pill. This went on for about 8 months. I was in so much denial that this was even a problem. I was sober from the drugs that ruined my life, so I was sober right? I wouldn't have any problems kicking this problem at some point in the future- if it was even really necessary. I just want to say I REALLY was committed to sobriety and honestly didn't believe that this was a problem at all. Denial can be a sneaky manipulator. So about 8 months later, when I was close to 1 year of "sobriety", going to school, starting a new job, doing an internship, etc. I started abusing them more and more and manipulating my way through the system to do so. 

Finally, one day my Therapist straight up called me out on it. My cover was blown. I didn't have 8 months of sobriety anymore because the secret was out and I couldn't do anything about it. So then we devised a plan to get off of them. By this time, I was up to 16mg from the 1mg I had started at the year before. Suboxone is one of those things that you can't quickly just taper off of because of how well it sticks to those opiate receptors. I had to go to a suboxone clinic and come down safely on them. 

This post is getting too long, and even I don't have the patience to keep writing about this. Let's pick this back up tomorrow. 

To be continued....

Life In The Sexy Lane 2.0

Well Hello! Welcome back to Life In The Sexy Lane 2.0! It has been a long while since I have posted on here. I needed some time away to get myself and my life back together. While I love posting and sharing on this blog, there is also a constant juggle that I feel between wanting to be real and genuine, but also wanting to show up and be strong and show my better side or share the better parts of life. Sometimes, especially when you feel like you are completely lost or broken, it can get hard to post because those are parts of myself that I have a hard time acknowledging to myself- let alone people who read this blog. I have always prided this blog as being real and genuine to who I am and what I am going through, but sometimes when life itself feels as though it is blowing up all around me, I tend to disconnect. I disconnect from myself, my loved ones, and my life. I begin to just show up and go through the motions without feeling any emotions or enjoyment in my life. So when I started relapsing last January, I didn't want to admit it on my blog for many reasons. I wanted to show my strength in my recovery, not my weakness in my addiction. Sometimes there is a fine line between being genuine and being too vulnerable in an inappropriate public setting. I didn't want to lose my internship or get kicked out of my school program because I wanted to work in recovery despite the fact that I was not in a stable enough place to be working in or planning to work in recovery when I wasn't in a solid place in my own recovery. And honestly, I just didn't want to start the whole recovery thing all over again. Needless to say, the last six months there have been some drastic changes such as dropping out of my school program and not completing my internship hours. Starting an IOP treatment program and relapsing so I had to take 6 weeks off of work to do a day treatment program. And since then, practicing what I have learned and really work on myself and my recovery which required a lot more private journaling rather than public blogging. That being said, I have really missed this blog. It has been a great way for me to emotionally connect and become vulnerable. It allows me to express and share myself. And the best part, it allows me to connect with so many others who decide to share their story of struggle and find a small glimmer of hope in their own pain. I can't promise a blog post every day like I have in the past, but I do want to start sharing again and I feel like now it is the right time and I am in the right place to begin to post again. I hope to share with you my struggles, victories, comedies, and the interworks or how my brain randomly operates moving forward. 

So, moving forward....let's go through some pictures/highlights from this last summer...

We got some rock climbing in

We bought this girl her first pair of roller skates

This little one literally grew up right in front of our eyes

My parents and I spent a brisk Memorial Day weekend up in Park City

I got my favorite pair of summer sandals

Charlee in now enrolled Grandpa Davy's Hunting Recruiting club

I finished my first year at Chase Bank by accomplishing all of my first year goals 

Grandpa took the kids fishing

These were by far a summer favorite treat

So many Sunday afternoons with the littles

And every Sunday was a new adventure

The week after my relapse, I got into Golfing as a way to support my recovery. My first two games, I got birdies...haven't gotten one since. I took lessons and probably played almost every single day. 

These kids reminded me what playing outside all summer is magical

I took my own style to the golf course

I bought a new Garmin that is 100 times smarter than I am 

All the cousins went up to Park City for a week 

And they were stoked to say the least

I taught Kylie the secret to life is to drink A LOT of Diet Coke

We got 6th row tickets at Kelly Clarkson

I developed a sock addiction

Kylie started walking...and Charlee started posing and smiling for pictures

I started Trail Running again

And it was the best way to restore my broken spirit 

I reconnected with FTR and ran at Recovery Day with my Hero and Sober Sister Rachel

The girls decided going to the Toy Store on our Date Nights is now a regular tradition (so much better than going to Chuck E Cheese)

And we tried to all smile for a picture...

But most pictures turned out goofy

I played in the freezing cold Women's Realtor Golf Tournament on team Stewart Title 

Dave and I went to DC because I signed up for a Half Marathon solely to have a reason to eat at Good Stuff and have this iconic Roasted Marshmallow Shake

When you're at the Capitol, it's only cool to be super cheesy and wear patriotic gear around.

Of course we did all of the cool tourist things that I have probably done 25 times now

I ran a half marathon without training and got the running bug again. My goal is to run my Half Marathon Personal Record in September of 2016

Being addicted to running is much better than being addicted to drugs. 

We enjoyed summer nights in the backyard

These two became very best buds

My new baby niece Charlotte was born

Four months of golfing paid off with 3 drives straight onto the green at Sleepy Ridge

And, the summer has officially come to an end. 

It was a great summer. A summer for the books. I feel healthy. I feel happy. I feel strong. I feel connected. I feel like after 10 long years of fighting so many demons, depression, anxiety, etc...I am finally content and happy with who I am and where my life is going. It feels amazing!