One Year Ago- An Inside Job

To start- Turn on "Greater" by MercyMe

Pictures are worth 1000 words: 

 Exactly one year ago from now: No twinkle in my eyes whatsoever. Dead inside and not willing to reach out for help.

In my active addiction:

Constantly passed out, unengaged in life.

Down to 110 pounds from eating pills all day instead of food. 

Super unhealthy. Withering away.

Just Existing.

My Life in Recovery:

Doing the things I love

Surrounded by LOVE

Healthy and happy

Enjoying life

Surrounding myself with strong women in recovery

Going on climbing trips with people in recovery

A part of the recovery community, doing what I love, and staying healthy while sharing my recovery with others

Exactly one year ago, after a pretty traumatic relapse, my Therapist convinced me to go with her and my sister to a place called Turning Point and speak with the Admissions Director. We met with him and toured the facility. The whole time I was rude, distracted, and belligerent. I was hell bent on refusing to be locked up in a treatment facility. I didn't think my problem was "that bad" and I could fix it on my own without going to treatment. 

As I reflect on that, I can't help but think about the difference in the two paths. 

Where I would be without treatment: 

Likely Dead

Dealing with DUI or other drug charges

In Jail or Prison

Estranged from all family and friends

Out of a job

Homeless

Dealing with severe health problems

Suicidal, Depressed, Anxious, and a bunch of other mental illnesses

Unhappy and empty inside

Spiritually Empty

No meaning or purpose in my life

Where I am Today: 

Going to school to become a counselor

An intern counselor at Turning Point

Have a great job at Chase Bank

Involved in an amazing community with Fit to Recover

Sharing my story and message (I interviewed with Channel 2 news tonight- stay tuned on the air date)

Engaged in healthy relationships

Continuing to learn more about my weakness and strengthening them

Close with my family

Living a life of purpose and meaning

No longer in chronic back and neck pain

Truly at peace and happy

What a contrast huh!? I am glad that God intervened in my life and brought me to my knees. This gave me the humility I needed to accept that I had an addiction and needed the proper treatment to put it into remission. 

One thing I want to always remember is that life will always get better. Change involves humility and self work. Without putting in the work, we can never expect change to happen in our lives. Happiness is an inside job. It doesn't come from anything on the outside or any amount of money or success like I had always believed. 

I believe the secret to engaging in a happy and peaceful life is humility. This is a trait that is unnatural to man. Luckily, I believe that since we are children of God and humility is a spiritual trait we can inherit through him. God will continually give his children the opportunities to become humble and submit to his plan for us through our trials and triumphs. He knows our potential and the more that we remember this, he will guide us as long as we remain humble and teachable in the trials that he gives us. Humility is a powerful driver in all change. 

Two years ago, I lived with blinders on. I didn't see the negative beliefs that were driving my self destructive behaviors- both addiction and other behaviors that were not serving me or my life. I didn't think I had any problems or issues that I couldn't change if I had enough will power. I just needed to be stronger. I didn't notice my weaknesses, because I wasn't open to them. Now, I am continually recognizing weaknesses that are causing me to live less than optimal. Once these weaknesses are brought into my awareness, I am now able to recognize the core issues that are driving them and work on those issues to change my behaviors. It has been truly amazing. This is all because I have been able to be humble enough to recognize that I am never going to be in a place where I won't need to be working on myself. 

It's crazy to see how far I have come as I have engaged in recovery and learned believe that I truly am worth it and deserve peace and happiness.