Pictures of My Day

I am back to loving unemployed life. 

Today was AWESOME. 

I started the morning with a hike up to Bell Reservoir, had my FIFTH interview with Chase, then volunteered at Turning Point Centers, then got to see my cute nieces and nephew, then got a massage, then got to see my old time best pal Jessa. 

I don't think I ever want to work again (until tomorrow probably)

 Remember how jacked my hand was when the glass came out?? It's all healed!!

Our Rad Hike

The Lake at the TOP

Charlee is my best friend when she comes over. 

Then she wanted to take her own pictures

I would just like to point out how strong my arm is getting! Thanks to Fit To Recover!

Charlee wanted to look like me haha

I got a new harness and shoes for our sweet Labor Day Weekend trip up to Rock City!!

Back To School

Well, today is the day. I head back to school. It feels so weird to be a student again. I honestly don't know what to think about it. I haven't sat in a classroom for 3 years, and those 3 years have been LOOONG years. So much has changed. I'm not in that mindset yet. I am so used to having my nights free, and now two nights a week, I will be in a classroom. 

I am super stoked to be able to chase my dreams. I am actually really lucky that I made it into the program that I did. I wasn't supposed to be able to start the program until I was 3 years sober, yet here I am at 7 months sober. I am so excited to learn more about addiction and recovery. I feel that this experience will enhance my recovery journey and I will be able to give back in more ways than I already have. I really believe the best addiction counselors are addicts in recovery. It adds a layer of understanding and empathy. I have been able to teach a few groups at my old treatment center, and I love being able to be an example to the clients in there and show them what recovery really looks like. 

So...here we go. Off into the unknown. I am sure it will be a wild ride, but I am ready!

This is my "I'm gonna kill it" face. Definitely appropriate for today. PS- I haven't thrown up in a week! The medication I am on seems to be working! Holla!

Last night, I went climbing with a couple friends who are also in recovery. I love being around friends who are in the same boat. There's just a level of authenticity that recovering addicts have that is hard to find. 

Wish me luck!

Finding Community In Recovery

This is the Fit To Recover Women's Group that meets every Thursday evening. A great group of women who are all strong in recovery and offer great support for one another. 

This is the Fit To Recover Bootcamp that is held every Saturday morning. 

These past few months of summer, I have really reached outside of my comfort zone. I am a very reserved person and I don't normally go to social activities alone, but I felt like I needed to find a sense of community within my recovery. I think that being a part of the recovery community in SLC has drastically changed my recovery for the better. When I felt all alone in my recovery the first few months after I got out of treatment, I almost like an outcast of society. I had lost a lot of friends during the intense times of my addiction and didn't really have a solid group of friends in SLC. I really questioned how long I could stay in recovery without any support besides my weekly therapy visits. Now, I go to at least 2 groups per week, visit my therapist, and volunteer at the treatment center I went through. This has given me a sense of belonging. I don't feel like I am trying to do this all on my own anymore, I am doing it with an incredible group of human beings. People in recovery are my favorite people. You don't have to worry about cliques, fake people, judgmental people, etc. There's no right or wrong way in recovery. I love being able to feel authentic and vulnerable and feel the support from others who are going through the same thing. Being in recovery has made me a better person in so many aspects of my life. I find myself feeling so much gratitude each day to be able to be a stronger and better person. If I didn't have an addiction, I wouldn't have this time of my life where I can really reach inside and strengthen my weaknesses and offer the world a stronger, more compassionate, courageous, and overall better human being than I ever believed was possible. 

Welcome Baby Kylie

This week, my sixth niece was born on August 19th. Shawn and Candy had their 3rd child.

Introducing Kylie Young. We couldn't be more excited to have another princess to spoil!

Workout Mix

People always ask me for good songs to workout to, so I decided to post it on the blog for anyone who needs to update their workout jams. 

Here is a list of songs I have been working out to lately: 

1. Beating Heart- Ellie Goulding

2. Bad Blood- Bastille

3. Trumpets- Jason Derulo

4. Loud- Mac Miller

5. And We Danced- Macklemore

6. Maps- Maroon Five

7. Gold- Macklemore

8. Shake it Out- Florence and the Machine

9. Sunshine- Matisyahu

10. Hall of Fame- The Script

11. Demons- Imagine Dragon

12. Cinema- Skrillex

13. Young Blood- The Naked and Famous

14. Timber- Pitbull

15. Pompeii- Bastille

16. Burn- Ellie Goulding

17. Monster- Imagine Dragons

18. Sweetness- Jimmy Eat World

19. Damage- Jimmy Eat World

20. Castle of Glass- Linkin Park

21. Alone Together- Fall Out Boy

22. Hey Brother- Avicii

23. We Weren't Born To Follow- Bon Jovi

24. On Top Of The World- Imagine Dragons

25. Summer- Calvin Harris

26. Victory Lap- Macklemore

27. The Catalyst- Linkin Park

28. No Light, No Light- Florence & The Machine

29. Feel This Moment- Pitbull

30. The Great Escape (Cool Down)- Pink

Check them out! You can thank me by adding these to your playlist and go for a run!

Relationship Vacation

People always want to know how my love life is going. Well, lately I have responded by telling people that I am on "Sabbatical" from dating and relationships. 

I believe that the first year that someone becomes sober is a time when relationships should be put on the back burner. The first year of recovery is an opportunity for someone to really work on themselves and fine tune their lives. I feel very fortunate to be in recovery and give myself the time and attention that I need to heal my mind, body, and spirit. When someone is in the "dark days" of their addiction, their mind, body, and spirit are severely wounded. Being in recovery has allowed me to really take a look at myself and the core beliefs that I have about myself and really work on those things. The first year of recovery is hard enough, and if I threw a relationship on top of that, I would be in a very vulnerable place to relapse. 

I strongly believe that love and relationships will come when the time is right. I don't believe the first year of recovery is the right time. I need to make sure that I am okay with myself, before putting myself in a vulnerable place with another person. Relationships complicate life, and I believe a person really needs to work on their own issues before adding another person to the mix. I feel like this will make my future relationships so much better. 

When I first got sober, my therapist told me something that I strongly believe today. She told me that everyone, in their adult life, needs to learn how to be alone. I used to be terrified of being alone. I thought that being in a relationship was the only way to be happy. I was DEAD WRONG. Now, 7 months later, I can sit in silence with myself and be okay. I have learned to love myself. I have learned what I want and don't want in my life. I have learned what I want in a future companion. I have learned how to be okay in my own head. These are all lessons that I feel someone should learn before adding another human being into their life. 

Love will come. A family will come. But the best way to insure a happy future with a companion is by making sure that I am strong on my own without any one else. I need to create the life that I want for myself, and when the time is right, another person will fit into that life that I have already created. 

Fit To Recover

Friends: please watch, share, and donate to this cause. Fit to Recover is an amazing cause to be a part of. Up until the last few months, I felt alone in my recovery. I questioned my long term sobriety. I knew that I wanted to get involved, but I didn't know how. Then, I got introduced to the Founder of Fit to Recover, Ian Acker. He invited me to come out to his bootcamp and weekly process group/run. I started coming, even though it felt uncomfortable to reach outside of my comfort zone. After going just once, I felt like I belonged to something great. I was excited to go back. This cause is exactly what Salt Lake City needs. Please take some time to watch and donate just $10 if possible. If you can't donate, then share. Or do both!

Spiritual Recovery

Today, my Therapist told me something that has invoked quite a bit of thought on my end. 

She told me that addiction is a spiritual destroying disease, therefore recovery is a spiritual builiding journey. 

Throughout 2013, I remember thinking constantly that I was dead inside. Going to a psychiatric hospital in January of 2013 broke me spiritually. There are still so many feelings I have about that experience. It was very traumatic to say the least. After that, I felt that God was dead. God didn't exist, and if he did, he didn't love me. My spirit was completely broken and I didn't know how to gain that part of me back. 

I have always felt that even if I am not a super religious person, it's still very important to involve God and spirituality into my life. A year ago, I had no spirituality at all. As I have healed from the inside out, I have learned what spirituality means for me. Spirituality means assigning meaning to life. It is what gives us purpose. That can come in many forms, but I believe the greatest lesson that I can learn from this spiritually defining experience is that everything that we experience has meaning. I can assign meaning to even the simplest things in life, and that allows my spirit to grow and change and evolve as I change. I am going to work on building my spirituality as I continue down my sober journey. 

It's amazing how much this experience has defined and changed me. A year ago, I honestly never thought I would be happy. I thought God was dead. I was completely lost. As I have healed and changed, I honestly can't imagine going through this life without meaning or believing in a higher power to help heal me. I never want to be destroyed by addiction ever again. I never want to feel that low. I believe the best way to ensure that I don't wind up down that path again is by building my spiritual side and living a life of faith and meaning, whatever that looks like for me. 

Park City

Unfortunately, I didn't get to race in the Park City Half this last weekend. I am so frustrated with my mystery disease. I was throwing up Thursday/Friday and didn't think it would be the best idea to put my body through a Half Marathon after that. So, instead, we just enjoyed the "Runcation" without the Run part. SO....just a normal vacation! We hit up the shopping, went the "The Giver", ate too much food, played games, slept, and went to the Farmer's Market. A quality weekend!

This is my last week of summer before school starts and I feel really weird about starting school again next week. My life is about to get crazy with classes twice a week in 5 hour blocks, an internship, and a job whenever I find a good fit!

Here's some pics from the weekend with my cute mama!

Guys, this just got real. In a year, I will be a Substance Abuse Counselor. What?! So exciting!

I made my mom go to the Giver with me since this was my favorite book as a kid. After watching it, I have no idea how a 10 year old kid understood this story. Mind blowing!

Shoppin with my mama. Yes, it was actually jacket weather at some points this weekend. Not gonna lie, I am getting the itch to go snowboarding BIG TIME!

My friend suggested I try "oil pulling" as a way to detox my body since I've been so sick lately. It was so weird, but I am willing to try anything!

The hardest part was sitting in a room 5 feet away from my mom and not talking for 20 whole minutes!

I really hope this helps!

Sunday Farmer's Market in Park City is a one of a kind experience!

There were some golden treasures hidden in this place!

Headed home after a quality weekend with Cath! I love getting out of town with my mom. We have some great memories together!

Real Talk: Recovery Can Suck

When I first got sober (7 MONTHS!!), I thought that I had to LOVE recovery. I thought that after a certain amount of time, it would just be a way of life and I wouldn't ever think about using prescription pills as a means of escape. Lately, I have realized that recovery isn't always happy and great all the time. There are still ups and downs. There are still times where I wonder if I will ever stop having so many triggers and cravings. Yes, over time, the triggers and cravings slow down over time for sure, but they never go away completely. I have noticed that the longer I stay sober, the more on top of things I need to stay. You can't ever let your guard down, and need to respect addiction for what it is and what it can do to your soul and your life and that's okay. I have realized that some days I can say that recovery totally sucks and that is completely okay. I don't have to always love it or be happy. Yes, my life has improved immensely since I got treatment last November, but that doesn't mean that it has to be great all the time. I just know that I have tried and failed when it comes to using drugs to escape. It is an experiment that I know the outcome of and never want to go back to for sure, which is why I stay sober. But, I can say that it is the hardest thing I have ever done and continue to do. The hardest and most uncomfortable things in life are the most rewarding, which is exactly what recovery is. It's not this amazing, fun, happy experience. It's hard, emotionally draining, and tough to stay on top of- which is why addicts need to continually stay on top of their own recovery program and recognize that nobody in recovery is safe. It's a lifelong process that I continually look forward to growing and improving each and every day. I can't say that I am going to stay sober for the rest of my life, that is something that no addict can commit to. BUT, every day, I can wake up and say I am going to go to bed sober tonight and be okay with that logic. I just want others to know that I am not perfect in recovery. I don't always have good times. Sometimes I just want to crawl in a hole and go back to my old ways, even though I know it's not a solution. 

In other news, trail running has been AMAZING lately! I am so glad that I have finally been able to manage my back pain and return to a sport that I absolutely love!

Lately, I have been getting back into weight training. When I ran my first marathon, I was in the best shape of my life. This was because I combined weight training with cardio. I absolutely HATE weight training and would rather run all day every day, but I know that if I want to accomplish my goals, I need to give the weights some lovin too!

I love that my parents have a home gym. Definitely a MUST in my dream home!

My mom gave me her old magic bullet and I am stoked on all of the protein shakes I can make now! It's the only way I can get food in my stomach in the mornings.

Self Timer on iphone- Best thing that ever happened to me!

This is my "I'm 7 months sober and hardcore" pose!

I am in love with the fact that I live so close to Snowbird and can play on these trails all year long!

So there you have it. If you are in recovery and thinking that I make it look easy and fun, I want to tell you that's not the case, it's hard and can suck sometimes. However, I do choose to live my life of sobriety in faith and love for myself, rather than in fear that I may fail. Living in fear is just not an option for me, I already know that outcome!

Okay, I'm Over Retirement

So two weeks ago when I quit my job due to medical issues, I was actually excited to have a life that wasn't work. Well, I'm over it. Mostly, because now my life consists of looking for a job, which is just as bad as having a job...except I have no money. I've been sick quite a bit this week again. Grrrr! I have seriously thrown up more in the last 8 months than I ever did my life leading up to this year. SOOOO annoying! It's not the throwing up that bugs me, but it's the intense nausea I constantly feel. Unfortunately, I lost my health insurance (long story) so I can't even get into the Dr's that I was supposed to go see while I am off of work. Kinda pointless, but whatevs. 

Some pics this week: 

Earlier this week, I started out on the White Pine Trail, and somehow ended up at the top of the bunny hills at Snowbird. I'm not complaining, it was a beautiful 6 miles!!

This kid turned 4 this week! She's the coolest kid!

Rylie is obsessed with soccer and jerseys, so for her Bday and a late bday present to Kali, I got us matching RSL gear. The girls were pretty stoked to be matching me! Luckily, I can still fit in 16 year old size shirts!

Rylie got a new bike for her bday and wanted to go riding with me. I always keep my longboard in my trunk so that I can get it out and go for rides with the kids. We have a pretty rad longboard/bike gang. 

Rylie is all about looking tough, so I figured she would dig these eye stickers, but she wasn't into it. Kali and I rocked them on our ride. 

Twins!

This picture kills me! She's such a tomboy, but somehow doesn't mind having a princess helmet. I guess it's a small price to pay to be able to ride her sweet new bike! She learned without training wheels and is a pro!

I went back to White Pine Trail today and actually stayed on the right trail the whole time. I didn't go all the way to the lake, but ran up 2 miles and down 2 miles. It was pretty rocky and I probably feared for my life once every 20 seconds. No big. My ankle didn't like it so much...might have to do with the fact that it's held together by a bunch of metal....

I am obsessed with trail running. It's the best substitute for snowboarding in the summer in my opinion. 

 This trail is up Little Cottonwood just before you get to Snowbird!

Good Times! Now let's all pray that I find a job and quit throwing up so much this week!