Exhausted

Nothin like working long and stressful end of the month deadline days and then studying to get my NMLS license all night. My voice is gone. I need to sleep all weekend. And I need a real bed to sleep on. 

Unfortunately, I am still on the air mattress, will be at work all weekend, and finishing up my NMLS class by Sunday. Boooooooo!

Songs on repeat

I know I talk a lot about my feelings of missing Byron. I know some might think it was strange, since we weren't even blood related. The only explanation I have is that he was the first person in my life (out of two), that I have ever felt completely accepted by regardless of my accomplishments. I felt loved no matter what I was accomplishing or struggling with. When he was suddenly gone, a HUGE part of me died. A part that I am still trying to find again. Songs on repeat today have been: 

My relationship with Byron changed me. His death changed me. I will never be the same again (as weird as it may seem to others) that is just how it is for me. I hope to one day honor his memory and be to him what he was to me. 

A Life Worth Living

So, exactly 2 months ago, I had what I refer to as my "mental health car crash". I am not going to go into further detail, but I will say this. The pressure of being perfect that I placed upon myself made me crash HARD. It has been a hard journey since then trying to establish my purpose and what I want out of life. Writing on here, for whatever reason, is liberating. It's liberating to show my imperfections and think MAYBE just MAYBE a fellow perfectionist will be relieved to know that someone else struggles with it as well. It's been a tough road, but I really believe that it will be worth it. The thought that I don't have to be perfect and I can be whoever I want to be, even if it's messy sometimes, makes me SO excited!

So, the other day, I was given the assignment to create a map of my idea of "A Life Worth Living". Keep in mind, this isn't a bucket list, rather a map of the journey I want to take my life on. I wrote pages and pages, but I will just share a few of what my "Life Worth Living" map looks like: 

• Become comfortable being imperfect. 
• Love myself and others unconditionally.
• Take a non judgmental stance on myself and others. 
• Go on adventures: 
• Thailand
• Brazil
• Hike Kili
• Hike McKinley
• Backpack Europe
• India
• Live in another country.
• Qualify for Boston.
• Have a solid relationship with God, regardless of religious structure. 
• Learn how to meditate effectively to manage stress and sleep. 
• Do a triathlon. 
• Have a family. 
• Don't fake who I am to make others comfortable, be authentic regardless of other's beliefs. 
• Write a book. 
• Engage in public speaking. 
• Learn to surf. 
• Make others laugh and feel happy. 
• Ask for help. 
• Feel deserving. 
• Get a PHD
• Be a leader/teacher/coach. 
• Take risks based on faith, rather than fear. 
• Believe in myself.

So there's a glimpse of my outline. It's something that will help me base my decisions on moving forward. When faced with a decision, I can go back to this outline and decide if it will help or hurt my Life Worth Living journey. I'm so excited to move forward and feel a purpose and feel completely whole, even if I'm not perfect. 

"We cannot do great things, we can only do small things with great love."

Goofy Kell

I know I haven't written on here much, but I am reaaaaallly hoping to change that, since this blog is my baby! Now that I'm not commuting, I have 2 hours more a day. THAT'S HUGE! So since I haven't written on here much, I decided it was time to talk about some suuuuuuper random, goofy things about me. 

Warning: if you are a Mormon with no sense of humor, stop reading right now! It's not an anti post- just a little outside of your comfort box- and that's totally cool, but I'm not that way, so I'm not going to pretend to be to make others comfortable and compromise the "real Kell". Yeah, I definitely don't live in Utah County anymore!!

1. Dream Job- Become a crossing guard and ski patrol when I retire. 

2. Biggest Fear- Walking to my treadmill at the gym and someone falls off their treadmill RIGHT when I am walking behind it and I get wedged between the person and the elliptical right behind me! OR, walking past a treadmill right after they fart and I walk into a wall of DOOM. Nothing un-motivates me to run more than smelling internal gas that people have no control of the release whilst on the treadmill. 

3. Something I hate- POTLUCKS. They are my worst nightmare. ALSO, the "Post Date Text". Nothing annoys me more than texting RIGHT after I spent 4+ hours with someone about how much I enjoyed the past 4+ hours. I refuse. 

4. Something I LOVE- Doing math problems and listening to classical music for hours. This is also called a "mathgasm". BEST.THING.EVER.

5. Best part about growing up- Eating Cabury Mini Eggs and Diet Coke for breakfast. 

6. Worst Part- Doing taxes. UGGGGGGGH. 

7. My version of Hell on Earth- The Apple Store. I HAVE to go buy a reward for spending time in there after I escape that place EVERY TIME. 

8. Funny High School Memory- Streaking around the top of the Bruin Bowl and then urinating on the goal posts afterward. I only share this because I was a minor and know it won't go on my record. 

9. Foods from college I will NEVER eat again- Poptarts, Eggos, Nature's Valley peanut butter bars, Cup of Noodles, and Little Caesars. 

10. Things I am SUPER OCD about- washing/vacuuming my car. Oral Hygiene- I can't sleep if I don't floss at night. ALSO, I have broken up with guys, because they had bad breathe. 

11. Dirty Little Secret- I LOOOOOVE the TV show scandal. 

12. Weird Kelli Fact- I have to listen to crazy fast dubstep/techno in order to focus at work and get things done quicker and kick work in the butt every single day. 

13.  I pledge to never- Have 500 cliche mormon pictures and quotes from Pinterest all over my house. One suuuuper legit picture of Christ and that's it!

14. Favorite Reading Material- Books that were assigned reading in grades 4-6. For example: The Giver, Number the Stars, Holes, Crash, and Maniac McGee. 

15. I really, truly don't believe that I am going to hell if I wear a skirt that goes above my knees when I sit down, I swear, I skip church when I wanna be lazy, and I read scriptures for 5 minutes instead of 30 minutes. 

16. At work, I "wikipedia" at least three words that my coworkers say and assume I know every single day!

Here's a few more goofy pics: 

I hope you have a super rad Sunday. Try something new. Challenge yourself to make a small change that you have been meaning to make today. Kill someone with kindness. 

ADIOS!

Exciting Changes

Well, as always, there have been some pretty big changes happening lately! The biggest one is that I finally moved up to SLC. Best decision EVER. The five minute drive to work is HEAVENLY! I don't know how I commuted for so dang long! I also got promoted to become a Loan Officer at work, so I am working on my licensing exams right now. Some new, exciting changes!!

I seriously CANNOT wait for the day that I don't have to deal with moving boxes every few months!

I have a really big closet, which is EXACTLY what I needed. You tend to have a lot of stuff when you don't grow past the age of 12. 

My classy air mattress bed, until I figure out my bed situation- not ideal for someone who is SUCH an insomniac I tell ya!

I cannot even tell you how stoked I was to get out of Utah County!

And, as always, pics of Rylie and I!

Dose of Dopeness

Thank you Kid Kudi for writing the song "Dose of Dopeness"

Thank you parents for letting me go on spring break, even when I am graduated from college. 

And thank you Mexico for inventing Pina Coladas and Guacamole.

Utah, I'm definitely not stoked to be graced with your presence on Saturday. No offense, but you kinda suck compared to Cancun. 

I'm in Mexico!

Hello no-makeup beach look!

Hey Folks, 

I am in Cancun this week with the fam! As you can tell, I suck at blogging lately and it doesn't change just because I am on a trip! I haven't taken any pics yet, but I will try to sneak in a few! The only reason I am not laying out right now, is because it's rainy today. I decided it was the perfect opportunity to make a sweet playlist that I will be kind enough to share with you: 

1. On Top of the World- Imagine Dragons

2. Shake It Out- Florence & The Machine

3. Feel this Moment- Christina Aguilara

4. Scream & Shout- Will I am

5. Suit & Tie- Justin Timberlake

6. Thrift Shop- Ryan Lewis

7. Stay- Rihanna

8. Sunshine- Matisyahu

9. Summer Paradise- Simple Plan

10. To the World- Kanye West

11. Cosmic Love- Florence & the Machine

12. High Road- Fort Minor

13. Sweet Nothing- Calvin Harris

14. Skinny Love- Bon Iver

15. Rest of my Life- Ludacris

16. Just Give Me a Reason- Pink

17. Daylight- Maroon 5

18. Knock Knock- Mac Miller

19. Can't Hold Us- Ryan Lewis

20. Heart Attack- Demi Lovato

This is about half of the mix I made. Pretty solid to chill or workout to. The chips and guacomole are rad. Pina Coladas are a MUST. I have gotten 2 massages so far, and can ALMOST turn my head again (work stress made it so I couldn't turn my head all the way...you can imagine the annoying headaches I got). Anyways, I will try to be better at updating about the trip. It's been pretty chill so far!