Hidden Talent

With all of this Valentines chocolate around, my brother-in-law pointed out a hidden talent I have had all my life and never even realized! I can open a box of chocolates and know EXACTLY what is inside of them without cutting or biting any of them. This talent was developed from years and years of being a chronic chocoholic and finding all the chocolate that my mom would hide from me growing up. I seriously don't know how I am not 500 pounds!

Hippie Transformation

So, I am transforming into a full-blown hippie. I have gone from being a tight-strung, worried about where I should be, insomniac, perfectionist marathon runner to a mediating, herbal tea drinking, mindful thinking, non-judgmental, writing hippie. Coming from being the biggest non-believer of that crap- it really does work. I feel more energy. I feel lighter. I feel a clearer mind. It is a really good change, even though at times I find myself in my old mind having a complete panic attack that I am completely okay being where I am RIGHT NOW, and not worrying about how imperfect I am, or where I need to be in order to be at peace. I am just at peace with my daily progress, and I am becoming completely okay with being where I am RIGHT NOW. It's pretty rad guys. 

Other happenings besides becoming a hippie:

This kid is still the best sidekick ever. We have a daily ritual where I come by after work, she brings me a diet coke, and we sit on the stairs and say "Cheers!" With her sippy cup of chocolate milk and my diet coke, and just enjoy a nice relaxing drink together. This picture was taken when I was babysitting her and realized she probably shouldn't be playing with scissors. This kid can pretty much get away with anything when I am around- except talking to me with a binky in her mouth- biggest pet peeve EVER!

I won $50 bucks at work from the super bowl. It treated myself to a new hoodie. I can't get enough of hoodies lately. The hood is on at all times unless I am at work. It's just so comfy!

I recently met an 18 year old girl who has been through some EXTREMELY rough times in life. I don't really know why, but I am the first person she has ever connected with and learned to put trust into. She made me this little piece of art that I look at and smile every single day. People are the best. 

I won "Loan Officer Assistant of the Month"! This was pretty exciting considering the award is given strictly on numbers and how well you perform compared to others in the company, and I was only there for 20 days last month and still somehow got the award! Beginning of a new streak!

Ever since 7th grade track, I have raced in the same pair of "lucky socks". I finally decided it was time for some new ones. These bad boys have gel pads in the heals and the arches. Best socks EVER!

My boss and parents gave me flowers at work for V-day. I might have crazy allergies in my cubical, but they still make me smile!

Not only did I run more than one mile for the first time in  a REALLY long time, I got to run outside. Pure happiness. 

I am the most un-crafty person ever, and somehow completed a project I call my "hope wall". It has quotes that have meant a lot lately along with some fun pictures. I LOVE it and I'm so proud of myself for being a tiny bit crafty!

Life is Good. Real Good. 

Becoming

Today I kinda had an "ah ha" moment. I realized that life isn't about everything that you DO. Success and happiness cannot be measured on if someone DOES certain things. I always thought I was happy and successful because of all the things that I accomplished and did and checked off my bucket list. I am beginning to realize more and more that life is about BEING. It is about loving myself, loving others, accepting others, and overall just being happy just simply BEING and BECOMING. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it, but I think I am onto something here. You aren't loved because of the things that you do, you are loved for who you are and the goodness of your heart. I dunno, just some food for thought that I've been thinkin about today!

A Piece of "Should"

Lately, I have had a very heightened sense of self-awareness. I have become very aware of my strengths, weaknesses, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, triggers, etc. While sometimes (like last night), I feel overwhelmed and like I am on a self-discovery all alone that nobody can really understand, a lot of my realizations are also very very cool. 

Ghandi once said something along the lines of, "We will continue to struggle, until we finally wake up and become our true selves". This thought has caused me to realize that i have become a big piece of "should". I have become somebody who I feel will be accepted by the society and community that I am in, thus leaving my true self behind. I have lived my life based on false expectations I have created, rather than living a genuine life. 

Some examples of being a should: 

• I should be strong all the time, being vulnerable means you are weak. Crying means you are even weaker. Talking about any negative feelings is simply unacceptable and I should just get over them.
• I should be successful by the world's standards: graduate from college with honors, get a high paying job and work crazy hours day and night until I am successful, get the highest level of education that I can- even if I am not passionate about it. It's just what I should do.
• I should go to church, read scriptures daily, have a calling, and have a strong testimony all the time. This is the one and only way to be truly happy- and if I am not perfect at all of that, I am a failure.
• I should be successful and perfect at everything I do, and if I'm not, I'm once again a failure. 

I think everyone to some degree walks around trying their best to show the world their "should" self, yet feeling somewhat empty or unfulfilled inside because they aren't being who they really are. 

So what is my true self? While I am still learning, growing, and figuring out who that is, I have come up with a few things:

• I want to love and accept all people unconditionally.
• I want to serve and help as many people as I can.
• I run to have fun and relieve stress, not the be the best or to break records.
• I have so many imperfections and rarely do anything perfectly, but I am not a failure, I am just learning. 
• I have a relationship with a God or Divine Being that is so much bigger than myself. This relationship is very personal and cannot be defined by the confines and structure of any religion. 
• I want to be my best self, and that means being vulnerable and not trying to live a "should" life, but just being and loving my true self.

There you go, deep Sunday thoughts by Yours Truly.

It Will Get Better

Honestly, the Blog inspiration is gone. I am not quite sure what happened to it, but it just disappeared. The running inspiration is gone too. I have to force myself just to run one tiny little mile every now and then. Winter please be over soon. I need some sun and outside running in my life. Honestly, my life is just really hectic and I am busy from the minute I wake up until the minute I go to bed. I have gone completely antisocial. I am working on things, and while they are too private to share on here, it will get better, I have no doubts about that. There's so much to be grateful for and so many positives in my life. I firmly believe it will get better. 

Thanks for all the love and support. It means the world to me. 

I Don't Know

I honestly don't know what to blog about anymore. I feel changed. I feel different. I am not the same person who started this blog, or even the same person who posted on this blog two weeks ago. I am about to embark on a self-discovery journey that will last quite some time, and I have a feeling I will be leaving this version of me far, far, faaar behind. I'm excited. This year, I will be making more decisions based on faith, rather than fear. It feels good.

The GMAT and Grad School are going to happen later on in my life. Right now isn't the right time, and that's okay. They will still be there when I am ready for them.