Struggles

The main reason I haven't been blogging as much this past month is because I have been struggling. I have been struggling the worst that I have struggled in years. 

I am not the type of blogger that can struggle in secret and pretend that I am sooo happy and life is great on my blog. That is fake, and that is not who I am. 

This past month I have struggled to feel adequate, like I am good enough, like I will reach the level of perfection that I set for myself, struggling to know what I want in life, where I want to go, who I want to share that life with, etc, etc. There have been conversations I have had with people where I have had to hold back some major tears. I have been sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused... basically every range of the human emotion spectrum. 

I don't write these things for attention. I write them to be honest. To be authentic. To let whoever reads this blog know that I am NORMAL. Life isn't always pretty and perfect like people portray on their blogs. Life isn't always happy. I struggle to feel like I matter and I struggle to feel like I am good enough, just like everyone else does. That is completely normal, even though it is hard to talk about, because we are told our entire lives that we are supposed to be strong and not allow ourselves to be honest with our true feelings. We learn that we are DEFINITELY not allowed to let others know we are weak and we are having a hard time. 

Well, I am done pretending to act strong and act like I handle every heartbreak and frustration perfectly. When I have kids, I don't want them to be embarrassed or feel weak when they tell me that they are struggling or they are hurt. I would want them to be able to recognize their feelings and face them by talking about them and working through them in a healthy manner.   

Yesterday I bore my testimony in church, and the perfectionist in me literally spent the next 24 hours beating myself up, thinking of all the things that I said wrong and everything I should have said differently. I honestly was bummed out and the perfectionist voice inside me said "you aren't a good enough speaker, you don't have a strong enough testimony, you took time away from a stronger and more eloquent person's testimony". It really bummed me out and made me decide that I probably shouldn't get up and bear my testimony anymore, because I wasn't good enough and I didn't do a very good job.  It seriously took me 24 hours to let it go and move on and decide not to be so hard on myself about something so small. 

That's just who I am. I am hard on myself probably more than most. I hold myself to a higher standard, and because of that I never feel like I am good enough.  If I don't get the job that I really wanted, or someone tells me something they don't like about me, or someone decides to cut off their relationship or friendship with me, I completely internalize it and blame my imperfect self. Every doubt I have about myself I feel is true and I am not doing a good enough job pretending to be perfect in front of others. It is all my fault and I begin to feel completely deflated and hopeless. I get angry, because I want so badly to be perfect and be liked because I am perfect. 

This past month has been a blur. I have felt very little hope. I haven't felt like my existence has mattered to anyone. I have felt depressed, because I have felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone or any job that I want, and I probably never will be good enough or get that dream job. 

BUT, I have prayed HARD this past month. Probably the hardest I have prayed in 6 years. I have developed a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father and understand his role in my life. And you know what happened? On Thursday, I was finally able to decide to move forward. I felt hope and happiness. Even if it was just for one hour for the first time in an entire month, it made me realize the fight is worth it, and things will work out. 

This weekend has been an awesome distraction. I have met A LOT of new friends, and spent time with many friends who I have been my friends for years. I was able to go to my friend Zac's cabin for about a day and loved it. I spent time with people who love me unconditionally, even in my imperfect state. They accepted me and made me feel like it was okay to be myself and be A LOT less than perfect. It was a great weekend, and I know that eventually there will be more good days than bad and I will be stronger and wiser because of it. I will look back and see why everything turned out the way that it did, and I will be happy that I struggled, so that I could learn and grow. 

Thanks to all of you readers for being my friend. Thank you for your love. Thank you for accepting me and my annoyingly imperfect self. Make sure you show that love to everyone in your life, because you NEVER know how it will impact others. 

I didn't take many pictures of the weekend, but here are some pictures from the cabin:

Sorry for the novel. Happy Labor Day!!