One of the Good Ones

So many people have been wondering about this super handsome fella who has been in my pictures on facebook/blog/instagram lately.

That handsome fella is Jesse Johnson. I was lucky enough to take 3 classes from his mom at USU. After I was done taking her courses, she emailed me and said she wanted to set me up with her son. While I was hesitant...I was also somewhat intrigued and agreed. We dated a little bit, but things just kind of fizzled. 

About a month ago, I got this random idea to see what Jesse Johnson was up to lately. One thing lead to another and he ended up coming down for a weekend where we decided we should date and see what happens. 

He did everything right. He helped me regain confidence that I had lost. He helped me realize how beautiful I am on the inside and outside. He treated me like every girl should be treated. 

Unfortunately, due to the fact that my heart was sent through a garbage disposal about 2 months ago, I wasn't able to love him the way he was ready to love me. I wasn't ready for a relationship, but definitely open to having an AWESOME friend who made me feel a happiness I didn't know if I would ever feel again. He really is one of the good ones. Jesse, I hope you know that I think you are pretty great! 

Here's some pictures from when he came down to visit this weekend (sorry in advance, they are pretty crappy quality): 

On Friday night, we went to Temple Square. We had a very delicious dinner at Lion House, went to the Joseph Smith movie, and hung out outside the temple for a bit. 

On Saturday night, we went to the moonlight lift ride up at Sundance. It was SO FUN! I have been wanting to go for a long time!

Moral of the story: Every girl deserves a Jesse Johnson. Unfortunately for me, right now isn't the right time. 

By this time tomorrow, I will have decided which job to take! Yikes!

When you are young, single, and don't have a care in the world...

You buy your 11th pair of shoes.

This is my third color of Brooks Purecadence. 

Best shoes I have ever owned!

Lately, I have had ZERO motivation to run. This was exactly the motivation my feet needed. They are already so excited to put hundreds of miles on these bad boys!

Unemployed Life

My entire life, I have always had a plan. I have always been totally busy and my days super booked. I always wondered what life would be like if I woke up everyday with no plan and nothing to do. This past week, I have gotten a taste of that lifestyle. It is actually kinda fun not to have a plan or be busy and just enjoy life and people who surround me. I am pretty sure if this goes on much longer though, I will go completely crazy. I honestly don't remember a time in my life when I wasn't busy, so this lifestyle is completely new to me! So, some might ask, what do unemployed people do?

I figured it out!

1. They socialize with each other. There was one day last week that I went out every meal with a different person! It was so fun to see people I have been too busy to see!

2. They apply for jobs. Most crappy part of unemployed life! It is kind of fun to see what companies are out there and all the directions my degree can take me though! I have a pretty big hunch I will be moving to SLC in the next few months. 

3. They sleep. This has been magical. 

4. They watch FIVE seasons of a teen drama called Friday Night Lights. I'm only slightly addicted. My goal is to finish the five seasons before I start my first day of my next job. I know, I know, I set incredibly hard goals for myself.

5. They take time off of running. For some reason not having a structured lifestyle has made me less likely to run or follow any type of training program. It's been really good for me to take a break though, I was headed towards being burned out. 

6. They play with their 2 year old nieces all day long (including nap time). 

7. They go on roadtrips to Logan with their old roommates to visit a super handsome fella. 

8. They turn crafty. I have NEVER been a crafty person, yet I found myself tying a fleece blanket last week!

9. They go shopping and tanning. One of the brighter parts of being unemployed, yet having a good savings. 

10. They decompress. It has been very mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually healthy for me to take a couple weeks off and decompress. It has been so nice to go to sleep not stressed out. I honestly don't remember a time in my life when I have gone to bed completely worry-free. It's fabulous!

Like I said, give me one more week of this and I will be going totally crazy ready to get back into a routine and have a fulfilling life in the workforce.

Here's a picture of my blanket I made. Who knew I was so domestic??

Yes, my patriotic mother was extremely proud. 

This kid and I hang out and eat treats all day everyday. I am still trying to convert her from Dora to Friday Night Lights, but she's not feelin the teen drama!

Why doesn't every restaurant have these yet? I literally go to Wendy's JUST to buy drinks now. This is the greatest invention EVER MADE!

Gut Feelings

Wow! I have been pretty M.I.A. from the blog lately! Here's a few reasons why:

Last week,  I went through FIVE intense interviews for one job, and I got it. I was suuuuper stoked. It was a life insurance sales management position. It seemed like a great job opportunity for me. Basically, I would get my insurance sales schooling and licensing paid for in a week, and then I would get trained to sale life insurance as well as get training on how to run my own office with sales agents under me. I would receive commissions off of my personal sales, and the sales of those underneath me. It seemed like a pretty sweet deal, and a lot of money if I was good at my job. I would also get a $5,000 signing bonus paid out to me over the next six months every week. After about 3 months of training, I would be given an office to manage. The company would pay my rent, but the rest of the office management would be up to me. The regional manager who interviewed me is the 3rd best salesman in the entire nationwide company and he was going to personally train me. I was soooo stoked! I got hard to work studying for my insurance sales license. 

The past week I have studied pretty intensely all while having the stomach flu. Like lose five pounds bad bad stomach flu. I was supposed to ride a 100 mile bike race, and didn't do it, cause I was so sick the past few days. So I studied my little tail off for about 5 days straight, going completely antisocial and really focusing on my test that I had to take to get licensed.

So today, I had an agency meeting that I had to go up to Salt Lake for. I woke up, got all ready, and began to drive up. While the past few nights I haven't really slept, because I kept having this really bad stressed out feeling like the job wasn't for me...I just ignored it and kept telling myself that it was something I could do and I needed to expand outside of my comfort zone. So as I get in the car, I still have this weird, bad feeling. As I drive up to SLC, it gets worse. Like, I was literally going to have an anxiety attack if I decided to move forward with the job. I couldn't ignore the feeling any longer. I was almost to the office, when I turned around and drove home.

I really have never had a feeling like that before. I have always known the feeling of when something "feels right", and this was NOT that feeling. The exact opposite actually. So, I have no clue why the job wasn't for me, but I just couldn't ignore my gut feeling. Time to start looking for new jobs, and hopefully something will feel right!! 

Here's some pictures from my phone from the past week:

I got my hair done! My sis has never done a "color melt" and does a pretty dang good job on me!

So job interviews TOTALLY stress me out big time. Five interviews about pushed me over the top, so this was the cute text Jesse sent me before my last interview. He's a peach!

This poor kid got 2nd degree burns on both of her hands. I think she inherited my "accident-proness". Poor gal. 

Her hands are almost all the way healed now, no worries!

This was all I read for like five solid days. I kinda liked it actually. Nerd alert. 

When I turned around to go back to Orem after deciding not to work at the new job, I went and hung out with my favorite bike crew all day long. Kids are the BEST! 

Fall is here, and I am LOVING it!

Spanish Fork Half

First off, thank you so much for all of the love and support regarding the last post about recent struggles. I was shocked by how many people actually read my blog. As always, I like to be honest, authentic, and transparent...even when it means admitting I am struggling with certain things in life. 

So this weekend I ran the Spanish Fork Half. It was a pretty low-key race and there weren't nearly as many runners as I was used to. The course was beautiful, but the three hills they stuck in there were a MAJOR frustration and obstacle for me. I had a hard time mentally on those hills. I didn't get my best time, but I didn't get my worst time. I was pretty average, which is what I expected after all that I have been through and feeling these past weeks. I am exhausted today and ready for a big huge giant Sunday nap! 

Here are some pics of the day: 

This sweet boy came down from Logan and was waiting for me at the finish line with a nice big bottle of water AND the new USU game day shirt that I am soo excited about and probably wearing right now. 

My sister and some of her friends ran the race as well!!

 The cool thing about this race is they texted us the results immediately. I wasn't too happy about the slower time...but you have to take into account the hills...my stress fracture, and all the millions of excuses I can think of right now. BUT, I did get 5th place in my division, which isn't too shabby. 

After I got all showered, we were ready to go! We went to Magelby's and got breakfast (made an energy drink pit stop), then Jesse kicked my butt in mini golf, and we played a few arcade games with the four dollars we had at a trafalga. Combined we had almost 100 tickets!! Pure talent. 

After Trafalga, I was exhasusted and made Jesse come home and watch friday night lights with me (tv show on netflix that I am OBSESSED with!) Well, I laid on one shoulder, Allie on the other...and we both ZONKED! Such a ladies man...

When we woke up, we decided to go to Chuck E Cheese. Jesse had never been and I was SHOCKED!! I'm pretty sure he understands my love for that place now!

Allie thinks Jesse is her boyfriend. She wanted to sit by him, play the games with him, and hold his hand the WHOLE time. She also downed THREE pieces of pizza! I was super impressed considering that's how much I had and I thought I was going to die!!

The winnings!!

Jesse and I (the lighting was bad, so I opted for black and white)

Exactly the Saturday that I needed!!

Struggles

The main reason I haven't been blogging as much this past month is because I have been struggling. I have been struggling the worst that I have struggled in years. 

I am not the type of blogger that can struggle in secret and pretend that I am sooo happy and life is great on my blog. That is fake, and that is not who I am. 

This past month I have struggled to feel adequate, like I am good enough, like I will reach the level of perfection that I set for myself, struggling to know what I want in life, where I want to go, who I want to share that life with, etc, etc. There have been conversations I have had with people where I have had to hold back some major tears. I have been sad, hurt, angry, frustrated, confused... basically every range of the human emotion spectrum. 

I don't write these things for attention. I write them to be honest. To be authentic. To let whoever reads this blog know that I am NORMAL. Life isn't always pretty and perfect like people portray on their blogs. Life isn't always happy. I struggle to feel like I matter and I struggle to feel like I am good enough, just like everyone else does. That is completely normal, even though it is hard to talk about, because we are told our entire lives that we are supposed to be strong and not allow ourselves to be honest with our true feelings. We learn that we are DEFINITELY not allowed to let others know we are weak and we are having a hard time. 

Well, I am done pretending to act strong and act like I handle every heartbreak and frustration perfectly. When I have kids, I don't want them to be embarrassed or feel weak when they tell me that they are struggling or they are hurt. I would want them to be able to recognize their feelings and face them by talking about them and working through them in a healthy manner.   

Yesterday I bore my testimony in church, and the perfectionist in me literally spent the next 24 hours beating myself up, thinking of all the things that I said wrong and everything I should have said differently. I honestly was bummed out and the perfectionist voice inside me said "you aren't a good enough speaker, you don't have a strong enough testimony, you took time away from a stronger and more eloquent person's testimony". It really bummed me out and made me decide that I probably shouldn't get up and bear my testimony anymore, because I wasn't good enough and I didn't do a very good job.  It seriously took me 24 hours to let it go and move on and decide not to be so hard on myself about something so small. 

That's just who I am. I am hard on myself probably more than most. I hold myself to a higher standard, and because of that I never feel like I am good enough.  If I don't get the job that I really wanted, or someone tells me something they don't like about me, or someone decides to cut off their relationship or friendship with me, I completely internalize it and blame my imperfect self. Every doubt I have about myself I feel is true and I am not doing a good enough job pretending to be perfect in front of others. It is all my fault and I begin to feel completely deflated and hopeless. I get angry, because I want so badly to be perfect and be liked because I am perfect. 

This past month has been a blur. I have felt very little hope. I haven't felt like my existence has mattered to anyone. I have felt depressed, because I have felt like I wasn't good enough for anyone or any job that I want, and I probably never will be good enough or get that dream job. 

BUT, I have prayed HARD this past month. Probably the hardest I have prayed in 6 years. I have developed a stronger relationship with my Heavenly Father and understand his role in my life. And you know what happened? On Thursday, I was finally able to decide to move forward. I felt hope and happiness. Even if it was just for one hour for the first time in an entire month, it made me realize the fight is worth it, and things will work out. 

This weekend has been an awesome distraction. I have met A LOT of new friends, and spent time with many friends who I have been my friends for years. I was able to go to my friend Zac's cabin for about a day and loved it. I spent time with people who love me unconditionally, even in my imperfect state. They accepted me and made me feel like it was okay to be myself and be A LOT less than perfect. It was a great weekend, and I know that eventually there will be more good days than bad and I will be stronger and wiser because of it. I will look back and see why everything turned out the way that it did, and I will be happy that I struggled, so that I could learn and grow. 

Thanks to all of you readers for being my friend. Thank you for your love. Thank you for accepting me and my annoyingly imperfect self. Make sure you show that love to everyone in your life, because you NEVER know how it will impact others. 

I didn't take many pictures of the weekend, but here are some pictures from the cabin:

Sorry for the novel. Happy Labor Day!!